Army Lingo

Gordon

Now look at what you have gone and done

If Les and his Mates add a few Funnel Webs to the package I would have to join Stephen in the queue for the Shrink. Atleast he didn't mentioned Salties tho we could have fed them on last nights hacker

You talking about this little guy JPW

Thats my boy! (complete with personal body armour)

wheres his tin at put him on a charge sarnt major,

Done and dusted Jim...You are his escort.

Present yourself to the Quartermaster to collect a saddle.

Okay....the picture of the "saltie" isn't anywhere near as AAAaaaaghhh!! Muuuummmmyyy!! producing as that of the damn snake but still.....ICK. Evil looking thing, isn't it?

I think what freaks me out with these sorts of creatures so much is they are so....primeval. Damn things haven't evolved (or been intelligently designed, depending on your philosophy) for millions of years. They're like something out of The Lost World or something....ick, ick, ick. Like sharks. Freak me out too.

Now I know, thank you very much, that sharks are not reptilians (they're fish!) but they have that slinky, slithery thing reptiles have. Gives me the major heebie-jeebies, I can tell you!

Give me a snarling, spitting, flared-eyed panther or lion any day of the week.

"Ah, ah,ah!! Bad kitty!! Sit....sit!! Okay, if you insist on snarling at me like that you will not get any kibble from....Owwwww!!! Aaaaaghh!!! Nnnmmngnnnghhphhh....!"

cant report to the qm , as i am legless ,but not provided a snack for croc , ginger

theres an old croc by the stream NELLLIIIIEEEE DEAN ,

gingerjim wrote:

cant report to the qm , as i am legless ,but not provided a snack for croc , ginger

The old Lunchtime swally, eh?

You and Cartav shoud get together Jim..He enjoys a morning swally

Takes me back ! Another lamp swinger............... Whilst doing a bit of Egyptian PT one Sunday morn in Osnabruck, my mate Jock says "What did you do back home on a Sunday?" Thought for a bit, tried to recall happier times. " Dunno ! Went for a pint I think". "Come on then", says Jock, ".......into civvies, out of camp, down by the canal or something....". Good idea, we went, found a kneiper & knocked back one or two. So enjoyable, we missed midday meal, but that was no hardship. As luck would have it, I was missed, I was needed for a trial with the Regt hockey team, a sport I thought was played by giggling schoolgirls until I donned khaki, but I took to it. Now there was a call to turn out, jildi, in less than 15 mins.

So that was the end of any future glory. Exercise, Pils & no nosh are a mixture for disaster.
I was never invited to perform again.

Note:- Slipping "Jildi " in allows this piece to qualify for works relating to Army Lingo, OK ?.

Quote :

, a sport I thought was played by giggling schoolgirls

So did i untill i got hit on the eye with one of those ^%*£^*$ balls..

[quote="Gordon."]

Quote :

, a sport I thought was played by giggling schoolgirls

It is!

you ought to try playing hockuy against the ladies of wrac, we used to play the rheindahlen wrac girls in the 50s, it was very good practice for us to use if ever the russians did invade,those girls took no prisoners and dished out injuries to all who were daft enough to try to beat them , their csm , and several of the senior ncos were bloody formidable, my god could they swing those sticks, i daresay the russians would have been no trouble at all after playing those ladies at hockey, OUCH, ginger

Quote :

ladies of wrac

You a are a true gentleman Jim..First time i`ve ever heard them called ladies

Never mind hockey being hazardous.

One day at Hereford we were introduced to a similar but more barbaric game, called "Shinty". Just to make it even worse, we had to play on roller skates !

Army shinty is a pussy cat game..Come up here and watch a proper game and i think you will agree..
I used shinty as an excuse for cracking four ribs when i was stationed at Herford..The actual damage was caused climbing a fence to get into the MQs..Happy daze

Gordon, are you sure it wasn't from breaking out of the WRAC accommodation?

brum wrote:

Never mind hockey being hazardous.

One day at Hereford we were introduced to a similar but more barbaric game, called "Shinty". Just to make it even worse, we had to play on roller skates !

I took one right between the eyes playing shinty. Wouldn't mind so much but it was one of my own players that did it. Blood everywhere!

Truths About the Military

If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
Never tell a Sergeant you have nothing to do.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Aim towards the Enemy. [Instruction printed on a rocket launcher]
Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Whoever said, 'the pen is mightier than the sword', obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
Friendly fire isn't.

slopjockey is back

If a man could fly at the speed of sound and he farted what would he detect first the smell or the noise of
the fart

RHIP *

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

* Rank Has Its Privileges

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.







British Suicide Bombers on Strike!

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise.


. Without the military’s influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains. .

ladies or not we were glad of their company quite often , most of them could drink the blokes under the table, i have had some good times with the ladies, .talking about rough games we found the roughest was playing football against the ramc. it seems not only did they play football but drummed up patients to fill the bmh at the same time, evil little gits they were, ginger

[quote="gingerjim"]ladies or not we were glad of their company quite often , most of them could drink the blokes under the table,



True, how true! We organised a few days skiing at Rothiemurchus, the Army lodge near Aviemore. The lads got excited when a gaggle of Wracs turned up, wanted to have a party. They only mentioned it it because they required a sub out of Sqn funds. It was agreed, then the punch line ........."It's like this", said the spokesman. "There's 14 of us, 10 of them. We've had a natter and decided seniors can't come.... Sorry!"

Our lot thought they were God's gift to anything in a skirt ( Jocks excepted), they were in for a shock. When the four excluded from the fun returned from a quiet session in the town, they finished up putting very sick, very smelly and legless squaddies into bed. One who was still able to mutter some sort of sense explained how the spirits bought to soften up the ladies of the British Army Ski Team had been secretly tossed into the half drained pint pots of amorous innocents.

I rest my case

"john boy" wrote:

Truths About the Military

If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
Never tell a Sergeant you have nothing to do.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Aim towards the Enemy. [Instruction printed on a rocket launcher]
Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Whoever said, 'the pen is mightier than the sword', obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
Friendly fire isn't.

slopjockey is back

If a man could fly at the speed of sound and he farted what would he detect first the smell or the noise of
the fart

RHIP *

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

* Rank Has Its Privileges

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.







British Suicide Bombers on Strike!

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise.


. Without the military’s influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains. .

Blimey Chef, did you type all this in or have you discovered some weird and wonderful way to cut 'n paste onto this site ?

If I tried to type that lot in I'd be asleep before the end of the first stanza !